WE ARE CRAP!!
WE ARE CRAP!!
I WAS THINKING THAT MOST OF THE TEAM ARE NOT WELCOME BACK ON THESE SHORES BUT THEN I THOUGHT, NO CHANCE, THAT'S THE EASY WAY OUT.
SO GET BACK HERE BOYS (I would normally say men but that's unfair to associate them with all males on the planet) YOUR PUBLIC AWAITS, AS DOES THE TOWER.
Saturday, 28 December 2013
Tuesday, 17 December 2013
By Royal Appointment
A Letter From
Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
Dear Mr Pietersen MBE,
Mr Pietersen, or may one call you KP.
Mr KP, are you named after the crisps and nuts company by the way? my husband Phillip loves a nut.
Mr KP, may one formally request your attendance along with one's family and advisers at an event in London on 31st December at the postcode of EC3N 4AB, so as we can discuss what is commonly known (sorry I don't know too much about common issues) as the Ashes.
One understands from one's advisers that an Urn was taken from the shores of Australia many years ago during a cricket game and a long term battle then ensued between both nations to claim the Urn. Coincidentally, one also has a large number of pieces of art at one's little home in London which were acquired from all four corners of the world that for some reason have also caused an argument or two about their ownership.
Mr KP, did you know many members of the Royal family are also keen followers of sport, Phillip can often be seen driving a horse drawn carriage through streams, rivers and fields. I have no idea why, but he calls it sport. Charles and Camille can often be seen (they do not do anything, they are just seen) and one's grandson, the Duke of Cambridge often attends Wembley to watch the England football team. One was so proud that he was named as a Patron of the Football Association as this ensures two free tickets for every game and a trip to Brazil next year.
And you may have also one's daughter Ann at international rugby games supporting the Scotland team, she particularly enjoys the games when they beat England but One wonders if this is because her daughter Zara married the English player Matt Tindall.
But back to your sport of cricket and I must confess one knows little of DRS, ECB or LBW as it is all Greek or Latin to me, and although one does speak Latin one is much more of a HRH & OBE kind of girl.
One therefore had to consult with Lord Bumble of Accrington who lives in the North of England, an area one's advisers inform one is where all the best cricketers were born.
Lord Bumble informed one that during this latest confrontation against one's fellow commonwealth nation that you were "absolutely crap". He also stated that he often was heard on a TV media channel shouting "He's fallen for the trap again" "Wots he doing" and "Get Terry on the Plane"
One's grandchild Harry then also asked me to look at this socialist (Have I said that correctly) media phenomena called Twitter and the use of something called a HashTag. One did then observe twitter and constantly saw #KPtoTheTower, which is obviously a reference to your poor performance.
One immediately asked one's advisors to check who was the last person to be put into the Tower and the reason for that decision. When the explaination was given one did laugh so loudly that the Royal Corgi's were woken up, did you know that the last persons sent to the Tower were the Kray Twins in1952 for failing to report for a national cause. Ring any bells?
One then got in touch with this #GetTerryonThePlane chap for his views on your performance during this series and I have to say that even as charming and informative as he is, he was not very complimentary of you. Apparently he has given advice on a number of occasions which both you and your team mates have failed to consider. One's advisors tell me he could often be heard shouting to you "aut vincere aut mori KP" As any of my subjectsin the UK, with even a basic understanding of Latin knows that means "Either to Conquer or to die"
So it is with regret that I command you to attend our little event and discuss with one's advisers your little trip to Australia, did one mention that EC3N is the Tower of London. Apparently you have something called an Ego that would like to accompany you to our event. As one's advisers say "All are welcome" providing they have the right blood line.
Looking forward to seeing you soon
Your Unelected Head of State
The Queen
PS. Mr KP, one's advisers tell me if you add up all the occasions I have used the expression ONE, it is higher than your batting average so far. You really do need this #GetTerryonThePlane chappy to sort things out.
Her Majesty The Queen
Buckingham Palace
London
Dear Mr Pietersen MBE,
Mr Pietersen, or may one call you KP.
Mr KP, are you named after the crisps and nuts company by the way? my husband Phillip loves a nut.
Mr KP, may one formally request your attendance along with one's family and advisers at an event in London on 31st December at the postcode of EC3N 4AB, so as we can discuss what is commonly known (sorry I don't know too much about common issues) as the Ashes.
One understands from one's advisers that an Urn was taken from the shores of Australia many years ago during a cricket game and a long term battle then ensued between both nations to claim the Urn. Coincidentally, one also has a large number of pieces of art at one's little home in London which were acquired from all four corners of the world that for some reason have also caused an argument or two about their ownership.
Mr KP, did you know many members of the Royal family are also keen followers of sport, Phillip can often be seen driving a horse drawn carriage through streams, rivers and fields. I have no idea why, but he calls it sport. Charles and Camille can often be seen (they do not do anything, they are just seen) and one's grandson, the Duke of Cambridge often attends Wembley to watch the England football team. One was so proud that he was named as a Patron of the Football Association as this ensures two free tickets for every game and a trip to Brazil next year.
And you may have also one's daughter Ann at international rugby games supporting the Scotland team, she particularly enjoys the games when they beat England but One wonders if this is because her daughter Zara married the English player Matt Tindall.
But back to your sport of cricket and I must confess one knows little of DRS, ECB or LBW as it is all Greek or Latin to me, and although one does speak Latin one is much more of a HRH & OBE kind of girl.
One therefore had to consult with Lord Bumble of Accrington who lives in the North of England, an area one's advisers inform one is where all the best cricketers were born.
Lord Bumble informed one that during this latest confrontation against one's fellow commonwealth nation that you were "absolutely crap". He also stated that he often was heard on a TV media channel shouting "He's fallen for the trap again" "Wots he doing" and "Get Terry on the Plane"
One's grandchild Harry then also asked me to look at this socialist (Have I said that correctly) media phenomena called Twitter and the use of something called a HashTag. One did then observe twitter and constantly saw #KPtoTheTower, which is obviously a reference to your poor performance.
One immediately asked one's advisors to check who was the last person to be put into the Tower and the reason for that decision. When the explaination was given one did laugh so loudly that the Royal Corgi's were woken up, did you know that the last persons sent to the Tower were the Kray Twins in1952 for failing to report for a national cause. Ring any bells?
One then got in touch with this #GetTerryonThePlane chap for his views on your performance during this series and I have to say that even as charming and informative as he is, he was not very complimentary of you. Apparently he has given advice on a number of occasions which both you and your team mates have failed to consider. One's advisors tell me he could often be heard shouting to you "aut vincere aut mori KP" As any of my subjectsin the UK, with even a basic understanding of Latin knows that means "Either to Conquer or to die"
So it is with regret that I command you to attend our little event and discuss with one's advisers your little trip to Australia, did one mention that EC3N is the Tower of London. Apparently you have something called an Ego that would like to accompany you to our event. As one's advisers say "All are welcome" providing they have the right blood line.
Looking forward to seeing you soon
Your Unelected Head of State
The Queen
PS. Mr KP, one's advisers tell me if you add up all the occasions I have used the expression ONE, it is higher than your batting average so far. You really do need this #GetTerryonThePlane chappy to sort things out.
Tuesday, 10 December 2013
My Plan for Success or Why?
Welcome one and all my next Ashes solving instalment re-named Terry's Plan for Success or "Why the hell did I try and survive on a few hours of sleep a day to watch this crap"
Regular readers will know that I have become the self appointed PR expert to the England team offering advice and a positive way forward as we (ooops) they move onto Perth.
By the way the supply of "Keep Calm and Get Terry On The Plane" t-shirts are already on the way to the Barmy Army.
Let's start by not blaming anyone for the dismal performances, shouts of "Sack The Chairman of Selectors" will fall on deaf ears as Geoff Miller already leaves his post in January to be replaced by James Whitiker, Whitiker is vastly experienced have played one test in 1986!!
Having spoken to Captain Cook I told him that there should be no more talk of soul searching or digging deep or looking at yourself in the mirror, no that's too depressing. And you can't allow Bairstow to look in the mirror anyway, the poor lad has had enough trauma on the tour that the shock could devastating.
So my plan is to be more positive and Fight Fire With Fire.
They say that Mitchell Johnson's facial hair is being grown for charity, I thort' it was for a bet!! But he's looking like that cowboy from the Village People and yet people love him.
Therefore having spoken to Captain Cook we agreed that Matt Prior is the nearest to a pop star Look-a-Like. With the right choice of a shiny shirt that is opened and showing his chest, he is a deadringer for any member of the group Right Said Fred. Instead of any sledging, Prior instructions are to sing I'm too sexy for my shirt to all incoming Aussie batsman. SORTED
Next, we have to drop Swann. Yes I know we shouldn't be thinking about this be we all know it's the correct decision. His performances on the BBC's "Not Just Cricket" programme have been far below his own standards and he needs time to concentrate on his radio career. Too often fellow presenter Greg Jones has got to Swann causing him to change his style and become more withdrawn and hasn't even managed to complete a decent impersonation of KP since last month.
SORTED
Finally the players need to take their mind off the previous two tests and focus on other more positive and happier matters that can also galvanise the group and give some responsibility to those fringe players.
I suggested planning a birthday party for Joe Root who turns 13 years of age at the end of December. I know he looks older than that (perhaps 15 or 16) but what better than to celebrate becoming a teenager than being abroad with your mates and get Geoff Boycott to present a cake in the shape of a Crickeeet bat.
SORTED
On a personal note I have asked the ECB that if my plane ticket doesn't come this week could they please ensure it's available before the start of the Big Bash League as I think my PR skills could promote and assist all the English players who have been signed up so far, they are gonna need it.
Well that's all for now as we look forward to Perth, I should point out for legal reasons that these views are my own and some (you decide) could be fiction. Comments via Twitter @NotSubject using the Hashtag GetTerryonthePlane
Thanks for reading
Terry
Regular readers will know that I have become the self appointed PR expert to the England team offering advice and a positive way forward as we (ooops) they move onto Perth.
By the way the supply of "Keep Calm and Get Terry On The Plane" t-shirts are already on the way to the Barmy Army.
Let's start by not blaming anyone for the dismal performances, shouts of "Sack The Chairman of Selectors" will fall on deaf ears as Geoff Miller already leaves his post in January to be replaced by James Whitiker, Whitiker is vastly experienced have played one test in 1986!!
Having spoken to Captain Cook I told him that there should be no more talk of soul searching or digging deep or looking at yourself in the mirror, no that's too depressing. And you can't allow Bairstow to look in the mirror anyway, the poor lad has had enough trauma on the tour that the shock could devastating.
So my plan is to be more positive and Fight Fire With Fire.
They say that Mitchell Johnson's facial hair is being grown for charity, I thort' it was for a bet!! But he's looking like that cowboy from the Village People and yet people love him.
Therefore having spoken to Captain Cook we agreed that Matt Prior is the nearest to a pop star Look-a-Like. With the right choice of a shiny shirt that is opened and showing his chest, he is a deadringer for any member of the group Right Said Fred. Instead of any sledging, Prior instructions are to sing I'm too sexy for my shirt to all incoming Aussie batsman. SORTED
Next, we have to drop Swann. Yes I know we shouldn't be thinking about this be we all know it's the correct decision. His performances on the BBC's "Not Just Cricket" programme have been far below his own standards and he needs time to concentrate on his radio career. Too often fellow presenter Greg Jones has got to Swann causing him to change his style and become more withdrawn and hasn't even managed to complete a decent impersonation of KP since last month.
SORTED
Finally the players need to take their mind off the previous two tests and focus on other more positive and happier matters that can also galvanise the group and give some responsibility to those fringe players.
I suggested planning a birthday party for Joe Root who turns 13 years of age at the end of December. I know he looks older than that (perhaps 15 or 16) but what better than to celebrate becoming a teenager than being abroad with your mates and get Geoff Boycott to present a cake in the shape of a Crickeeet bat.
SORTED
On a personal note I have asked the ECB that if my plane ticket doesn't come this week could they please ensure it's available before the start of the Big Bash League as I think my PR skills could promote and assist all the English players who have been signed up so far, they are gonna need it.
Well that's all for now as we look forward to Perth, I should point out for legal reasons that these views are my own and some (you decide) could be fiction. Comments via Twitter @NotSubject using the Hashtag GetTerryonthePlane
Thanks for reading
Terry
Thursday, 28 November 2013
How to Win Over the Public
Welcome to the 2nd instalment of my Ashes blog
now titled “How to win over
and influence the press”
How to Soften Up
the Opposition Press
Having sorted out most of the issues from the first test
match it’s now time for me to take on the role as Self Appointed PR manager for the
England team, as obviously there isn’t anyone doing it at the moment so I
hereby offer my services once again to the ECB.
However as my ticket from the ECB to fly out to Australia
still hasn’t arrived, it is a role I am undertaking from the comfort of my home in
the UK. That however has its drawbacks and I wasn’t able to communicate
my advice to KP during the recent flight to Alice Springs and had to wait
for the plane to land before speaking with him. KP is as you are all aware
our “Go to Guy” and therefore I thought would be the ideal person to deliver
my plan whilst my flight is arranged. Infact I was actually on the phone to him when the team were
passing through the airport and that’s why he could not take his earphones
out as he was listening to me, so please don’t think KP was being ignorant
to your press guys, it was an innocent mistake – Honest.The next stage of my strategy was to suggest they visit the Aboriginal site and I asked the leader of the group they were meeting if he could arrange for some of the touring party to bounce around pretending to be funny animals.
I spoke to Captain Cook to discuss my plan but unbelievably, but in his most forceful and loud public school boy voice strongly argued against it, do you know it took me nearly 2 minutes to explain the reason behind my plan and he then quickly caved in…errr sorry, agreed my point of view.
The plan was now moving along quickly and I also asked the players to go
along with my idea and “pretend to make fools of yourselves”
"You will win over the hearts and minds of every Australian press reporter" I
confidently said. I must say that making a complete idiot of themselves in
front of the press came very easily to them and I wonder if it's because of all the
practice they had recently!!!
PR Manager Now Has a Workforce
Great news folks, my family has decided to join my PR Management Team as we think the England Cricket team and ECB need all the help and expertise available.
What credentials do they have? I hear you ask, well my son works in the hospitality business and is used to ensuring the important people are supplied with a sufficient supply of drinks during important events (2nd Test) that way I will ensure the press report the correct message about "Our Boys" being fearless but fair cricketers.
My wife and daughter are both Manchester United fans (also known by the Blue half of Manchester as "Them Over There" or "Scum") They are more than used to 90% of the country hating them and will provide valuable support and expert knowledge to the ECB in these difficult days. I am 100% sure that once the ECB admin staff organise our flights then the PR team will do everything we can to sort out what could be a PR disaster.
Well that's all for now ahead of the next warm up game, I should point out for legal reasons that these views are my own and some (you decide) could be fiction. Comments via Twitter using the Hastag GetTerryonthePlane
One final note the sledging doesn't really bother most fans, its gone on for years, Jimmy A gives as good as he gets and Clarke was just unlucky it got picked up by the mic. Plenty of ex players are saying just get on with it and see you in the bar afterwards, It's the Ashes for goodness sake.
Sunday, 24 November 2013
Ashes to Ashes
Welcome to the first instalment of my Ashes blog otherwise known as “What the Hell Happend in Brisbane” or “do I need to get a flight to Australia and sort things out” or Terry's back on his soapbox again.
After the brilliant efforts of Australia’s
favourite Englishman Stuart Broad in the first innings it all went downhill
quicker than a Nick Clegg LibDem manifesto promise.
Opening Pair
Dead Man Walking
Boyd Rankin
Swann
On a serious note if Nathan Lyon can
extract pace and bounce from the pitch THE NATION expects you to do the same. Rumours that an
Aussie surgeon did the shoulder operation are now very believable. 6 months ago
nobody would have been thinking “Hey Monty, stop peeing on that doorman and get
ready for Adelaide”
Poacher Turned Gamekeeper
Now I am not saying I know all the
answers to ensure we can get back into this series but if I am going to stay up
throughout the nights, survive on a few hours sleep over 3 days and keep the
coffee industry in business then someone from the ECB needs to read this blog.
Please feel free to comment and spread the word.
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